"Hell is Other People" Identity, Gender, and the Torture of Being (mis)understood

In Jean Paul Sarte's play No Exit, the character Garcin says "Hell is other people." For years, I thought this infamous out-of-context philosophy quote meant that humanity is hell. I'm not alone; this quote is widely misunderstood as a statement of unironic misanthropy, that other people suck.

In fact, it's not really about misanthropy. Sarte is expressing an existentialist idea that we lose ourselves, or our freedom, because of other people's perceptions of us. Being seen, known, defined and judged by others turns us into objects--in the literal sense that we are NPCs in other people's lives, no matter what. This objectification strips us of control of our self-narrative, self-determination, self-concept--our essence. Whatever sense of ourselves we had when we left the house in stained sweatpants and a band T-shirt disappears when we encounter our landlord.

This idea makes immediate sense to most people who have a lot of gendery things going on. I normally think of myself as genderqueer and kind of "whatever," have very little emotion about being He-Himmed in public etc. However, the minute I'm in a setting where men in suits are looking at me and calling me Sir, and I have this profound sinking feeling in my gut and I think to myself OH GOD, THEY THINK I'M ONE OF THEM.

For some of my friends and clients, however, the feeling is even more basic than anything to do with gender. This experience is something people have struggled to articulate to me for years: the mere fact of being seen, known, perceived l is beyond uncomfortable. Is horrible. This is not made better by greater understanding The other person could be understanding, or seeing them relative accuracy. But no matter how accurate, loving, positive, or generous that other person's perceptions are---they are still wrong. It feels wrong. It feels, for some people, like Hell.

The criticism I have of Sarte (one he probably well understood) is that his own self-concept is also hell, and also an illusion. This is close to what Buddhism argues is true of both self and phenomena. No matter what we apprehend as an object of the senses, our perceptions are illusory. No matter how we conceptualize self, there is no permanent, essential identity--like a river that changes every moment or the ship of Thebes. No matter how accurately we quantify phenomena, our designations and words don't actually touch reality. There is no such thing as a tree--only a cluster of phenomena we label as such. Reality remains a mystery. All we can do is make functional (practical, accurate) assumptions and designations, and move forward.