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For many years, after abandoning the religion of my upbringing, I was not only exasperated with organized religion, I wanted nothing to do with hierarchy, patriarchy, or any "archy" at all. Even more than that, other people being involved in my spiritual life felt ucky. It was too sacred, too private. I wanted solitude. Talking about spiritual things in front of other people felt like being naked in front of strangers--that's weird enough at a hot spring, let alone with peop

An Apache girl's coming of age ceremony (courtesy of https://borderlore.org/ ) DO WE REALLY HAVE NO RITUALS? It's a common assertion that modern (read: white) people have no rituals, we lost our rituals, or we are living in a dearth of ritual. This is certainly true, at least in the traditional sense. On the other hand, the most basic definition of ritual is any act that happens exactly the same every time. Ordering in a restaurant, signing paperwork, opening Christmas prese

In Jean Paul Sarte's play No Exit , the character Garcin says "Hell is other people." For years, I thought this infamous out-of-context philosophy quote meant that humanity is hell. I'm not alone; this quote is widely misunderstood as a statement of unironic misanthropy, that other people suck. In fact, it's not really about misanthropy. Sarte is expressing an existentialist idea that we lose ourselves, or our freedom, because of other people's perceptions of us. Being seen,

For the past 40 years, self esteem has been the Holy Grail. The psychiatric world has been obsessed with chasing self-esteem, and the self-help industry has been selling it. And for good reason! Positive self esteem is correlated with good moods, better relationships, physical and psychological health. Meanwhile, negative self esteem is correlated with low mood, addiction, and even health problems. So, logically, we should be trying to build a positive sense of self-image, ri

For many of us, the real problem isn’t a diagnosis or something a pill can medicate–because the problem isn’t individual. The problem is the human condition: the problems of evil, death, and taxes. The problem of watching our species tear itself and the planet apart.  Often, a major life change (leaving a religious community, loss of a parent, social or medical transition) brings these issues to a full existential crisis. Few clients I have worked with feel ready to directly