The Problem with Self-Esteem

For the past 40 years, self esteem has been the Holy Grail. The psychiatric world has been obsessed with chasing self-esteem, and the self-help industry has been selling it. And for good reason! Positive self esteem is correlated with good moods, better relationships, physical and psychological health. Meanwhile, negative self esteem is correlated with low mood, addiction, and even health problems. So, logically, we should be trying to build a positive sense of self-image, right?

Unfortunately, no.

Although good self esteem is something we should be happy about when it comes along, chasing or constantly trying to maintain a "healthy" self-esteem no matter what is problematic. That self esteem obsession is something I'm going to refer to as Self-Esteem™

Kristin Neff, P.h.D. has created an entire brand of therapy (Self Compassion) based on research that shows how terribly the Self-Esteem™ craze has backfired. She identifies a number of serious problems with our cultures' self-esteem obsession:

1. Self Esteem™ is Comparative : how many hats and t-shirts in your household have something like "World's Greatest Dad" print on them? Our culture makes positive self-esteem dependent on comparison, which is a recipe for a lot of problems. We might subjectively think our Dad is the best in the world, but it's literally impossible for everybody to be the World's Greatest Dad. Not every student can be the valedictorian, or captain of the swim team. Only one or a few of us can be objectively superior, and if our self-esteem is contingent on being exceptional, we are doomed to perpetually fragile self image.

2. Self-Esteem™ is Contextual: no matter how great our self-esteem is, its context-specific. Nobody has great self-esteem when they become dependent on a bedpan to use the toilet, accidentally rear-end an old lady's car, get fired, fail a college course, or have to go to rehab. And arguably, having incredible self esteem in these situations would indicate a pretty narcissistic grandiosity--that is, a delusional level of self-importance or arrogance.

3. Self-Esteem™ requires grandiose self deception: although sometimes we feel a natural self-esteem as a result of achievement, positive experiences, or a sense of belonging, perpetual Self-Esteem™ requires that we suppress negative thoughts about ourselves, or bolster our positive thoughts by suppressing judgments, prosocial feelings like guilt, or even by inflating our positive experiences into a sense of delusional grandiosity. We all know a bragging parent who spins everything that happens to their child into a grandiose narrative: the mediocre accomplishments are herculean feats, the character flaws or bad habits are actually other people's persecution, their ordinary development is a sign of genius, their impact on the world is messianic, etc. Self-affirmations and a whole lot of other Self-Esteem™ garbage is dependent on this kind of self-deception.

What's the alternative? Kristin Neff argues for a sense of self compassion--that is, kindness and gentleness toward ourselves that is NOT dependent on external conditions. This is not the same as self-indulgence or any kind of self-deception. We learn to offer ourselves the same generosity, easy-going care, and supportive encouragement that we would give our closest friends or family members.